My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Are my feet made of real feet?
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
We're too hungover to prance.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Randomize
