I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Randomize
