Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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