Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
And then my night got REAL pukey
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
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