I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize