Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
