last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
