I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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