So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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