her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
