True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I have feelings that need drinking.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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