Even water is tasting like jack daniels
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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