Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
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