I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
