Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
