I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Randomize
