God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Randomize
