They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
