I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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