The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Randomize
