if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
