I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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