I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
