Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
