just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
