Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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