I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Are we still banned from the library?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
