Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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