last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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