The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
