You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
