the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
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