You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Randomize
