I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
