Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
