Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
The beer is more important than you right now.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
