You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Randomize
