He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
