I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I think I won the penis lottery.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
