I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
