you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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