If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
