Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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