but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
