Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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