I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize