i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
