dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Randomize
