Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
