is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
