somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
