You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
