omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
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