u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
