I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
