Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
