A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
