Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
It's shark week go big or go home
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Randomize