If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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