So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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