Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
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