im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
