If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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